by Anna Huckabee Tull
Each month, for the first twelve months after Marie Pechet’s passing, I will carry her Blog forward, sharing about Marie in ways that I hope you will find meaningful, connective, and honoring of our shared friend.
The days are growing shorter now, and in this earlier-evening darkness, I find myself so appreciating the light.
Once again this brings to mind Marie.
And all of you who loved her so.
And those of you who never met her, but felt buoyed up by her words, and her bright inner light, through this blog.
It’s November now. I set the intention of writing one post a month on Marie’s blog for the first year after her passing, and for the most part, I have done that, and it has been so deeply healing and helpful and connective and uplifting for me. Thank you for this, because your presence, whoever you are, and that thing we have in common – loving someone who is no longer here – has made it possible for me to find new depths in my own voice and message.
I missed a month–October. And I am just squeaking in on my own self-crated deadline with this one. I hear Marie reminding me that she was not “regular” about her posts – she just trusted the feeling when it came and spoke. There is much to be learned from that.
If you read last month’s blog you will know that this fall I released a book about living life from a deeper place within. I have been absolutely bowled over by the experience. Partly because it has generated lots of interest, activities, and events for me. But mostly because a steady flow of deep, rich, shining, beautiful emails of gratitude have been floating toward me, and I feel such a moving desire and willingness to answer every one.
So I missed a month.
A year ago at this time, when Marie asked me to write her final blog post, she really was just asking for one. It was I who was hit with this clear sensation of wanting to do 12 – to honor her. To ease the rest of her inner circle through the transition. To follow my intuition. To honor this blog, that I read so faithfully. And, too, if I am honest with myself: to hang on.
I find I don’t want to let it go.
But the time is drawing near.
We are only weeks away now from the anniversary of Marie’s passing.
I wrote HER “final blog post” for her months ago, and now, the next time you hear from me, I will be writing “MY” final blog post.
I had a lovely visit with Marie’s husband the other day, in their bright home that looks and feels different now, but in many really lovely and buoyant ways. The three fellows of the house are coming to the end of a year of dealing with an incredibly significant loss, but also, more and more over time, discovering many of the freedoms of a home without profound illness. Being there didn’t feel sad. It felt good. Life was going forward. The house felt organized and bright and filled with a lot of happiness and forward movement.
And, too, while I was there, Marie’s husband reminded me of what I already knew: that at the end of the year, we’d need to shut the blog down.
I knew this.
I knew this.
But tiny little some part of me had forgotten – or just didn’t want it to be true. And maybe some other tiny little part of me, “busy” with book stuff, was hiding its head in the sand from the inevitable.
I have been surprised at how “final” the idea of closing down Marie’s blog feels.
And, too, at how much I will miss all of you, and this “place” from which I can so freely speak from my heart.
From this experience, I have learned many things. Here are a few:
1. I loved Marie even more than I knew.
2. Walking in someone’s footsteps is a powerful experience.
3. She is with me still. I feel her winking at me a lot, and it feels awesome.
4. Her husband is an amazing person who is finding his way through in ways that are inspired and feel rightful.
5. Her kids are beautiful people, and a lot of that beauty is Marie, living inside them.
6. Choosing a repetitive act to engage in, as a structured way to grieve, really works and really helps.
7. Marie had a lot of wonderful friends.
8. Crying helps, and writing things that allow other people to cry is an honor.
9. I am proud of myself for setting this intention and sticking with it.
10. Rather unexpectedly, I have discovered that I love being a “blogger!” I’d like to find some way to continue being one.
I don’t know what that last piece means, exactly, but I plan to ruminate on it, meditate on it, brainstorm within myself, and let you know how those of you who would like to continue to “follow me” outside the realm of this lovely little world that Marie created can do so.
Here are two related little “housekeeping” events I’d love to put out there now so that my “FINAL FINAL” Blog Post can be free of little details:
1. FOLLOWING – If any of you have thoughts about me blogging in some new way going forward, please share them with me. And if any of you would like to continue to follow me yourselves, wherever it is I set up a blog if I do, please let me know at AnnaHuckabeeTull@comcast.net.
2. AN INVITATION – Here is a heartfelt invitation to any of you who are local and interested (!!) In celebration of my book release and album release (which features the two songs Marie and I created together and which were performed at her memorial service). I have been given my own “TV SPECIAL” which will be taped in the form of a one hour live concert this December 13 at the Chelmsford Center for the Arts. Tickets are free and the event begins at 7:00 at 1A North Road, Chelmsford, MA. We are looking for a “studio audience” of 20 at a minimum, but the room can hold many more, so please consider coming and bringing all the friends you like. It would help me, and be a lovely chance to get to meet any of you who are interested.
Thanks for journeying with me. See you next month for the FINAL FINAL….
~Anna Huckabee Tull