Hallelujah

Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah is beautiful in so many ways. That melancholy tune kept running through my head following this past chemo session.

The last round of chemo hit me hard. I returned home on Tuesday, went to bed and stayed there until Saturday. On Sunday, I moved to the sofa and parked myself there.  I had a lot of pain, some bleeding, and a phenomenal amount of head fuzziness. I couldn’t think, read (even emails), watch TV, or knit. I could barely speak and I certainly couldn’t carry on a conversation. I hadn’t eaten since Monday, surviving on ice chips and small sips of water. My body had pains I never thought it could have.

I wondered if my body was at the beginning of a final downhill slide. My weight was lower than ever and I looked skeletal.

I had been absent from the family for so long that the kids were losing their grounding. My husband does a great job of being father and mother during my chemo weeks, but it is all-consuming. He needed the weekend to get some work done and maybe even exercise, but that wasn’t going to happen.

Plus, I haven’t had those huge messages from God and the angels that I used to have. I still believed they were out there, but I didn’t feel connected. When I looked at my life, I couldn’t find a sliver of anything I wanted, and I wondered in many ways what death would be like. My thoughts and emotions were dark.

As I lay in bed late one night, the lyrics to Hallelujah again ran an endless loop through my head. I decide to listen to the Leonard Cohen version one more time and as I did, suddenly noticed these words, which lifted me:

And even though it all went wrong
I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Yes. Because even through all this crap: Hallelujah.

I started to look for the blessings. I had to really look, but I was, indeed, getting a little better each day. Not as fast as I would like, but definitely improvement. It was a start.

This cancer path makes everything feel like it is just wrong: This isn’t the life I was supposed to be living. It felt broken and crappy but I had to admit, I am still grateful for it.

Even though all this felt so very wrong, if I were to stand before the Lord at that very minute, I like to think that I would still say, Hallelujah.

Love and light,

Marie

(Those lyrics are around 6:10 on the video.)

14 thoughts on “Hallelujah

  1. Your journey humbles me, Marie, and all of us who are witness to it honor you as you bless each of us with your courage and grace.mall my love, Pep

  2. Oh I didn’t know this one was so bad. How unfair after your amazing trip. That pisses me off! Probably shouldn’t but it does. Ugh. I want to see you! When I get back from Costa Rica. Until,them just remember little j man lassoing all those barrels and aiden actually enjoying group activities. And your writing is so amazing. Miss you.

    On Monday, April 11, 2016, Adventures in Spiritual Living wrote:

    > Marie Colantoni Pechet posted: “Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah is beautiful in > so many ways. That melancholy tune kept running through my head following > this past chemo session. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YrLk4vdY28Q The > last round of chemo hit me hard. I returned home on Tuesday, we” >

  3. This totally sucks. I am so sorry that wonderful you and your family have to go through this. As New England turns to spring time, warmer temps and flowers in bloom, I hope that you will be able to absorb some of the magic of springtime and will feel better.

  4. Hi Sweetie:
    I am singing along with you… Hallelujah!!
    I am holding you in great love and am so grateful for the light you are.

  5. This song is powerful, just like you, Marie! I’m sorry you’ve endured such pain, yet you are so gracious! I love love love you, my dear cousin, and hope your week continues to improve each day. Sending hugs, prayers, and positive vibes your way! You are my inspiration! Love, Tracy

  6. I needed your post this morning. I will loop that song through my head today Marie. Thank you and prays for you as well.

  7. I am so sorry to hear this. I spoke to you a few years ago when you did a guest blog on livefreedietravelling with Gary Thomson. I am Ann that also wrote on this site. Dont worry about the messages from God and his angels. They are indeed still there but because your energy is low you just cant hear and feel them. Concentrate on you and your family and getting your strength up. Much love Ann xx

  8. Marie, I have been out of the loop here and only catching up now. I hate to hear that you’ve had a tougher run than normal these last few weeks. You are so extraordinary. Everything about you…your mind, your soul, your spirit and yes, even that dang body of yours! (Really, you have to admit, it is pretty incredible!) I see from later posts that you are feeling a little better. My simple message: as ever, you are in our thoughts and prayers. Your spirit inspires and your honesty touches my heart. I can’t not tear up when I read your words. You are never alone. Love you, sister! xoxo

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