A cup of coffee

On Sunday, I went out for a cup of coffee and carried it with me while I took a walk.

Very unremarkable, I know. This may be something you do every day, multiple times, without thinking much about it.

But today, almost every word in that sentence fills me with wonder.

For example, I went out. On chemo weeks (like last week), I spend Tuesday – Thursday inside and in bed, and I often don’t leave the house on Friday or Saturday either, especially in the winter. On Sunday morning, I always aim to make it to church, but usually getting ready takes all my energy and then I am too tired to go. So again, I stay inside. As a result, I spend almost a full week in my house.

But last Sunday, I went out!

Not just that, I went out for a cup of coffee. For a variety of reasons, I stopped drinking coffee around 10 years ago.

But we have a wonderful café near us, and I was recently tempted by, then fell in love with, their Turkish coffee. But getting a cup involves a lot of standing: Standing in their typically long lines to order, and then standing as I wait for the five minutes it takes them to make it. Standing longer than a minute or two can be difficult for me. But I did it!

Plus, in our culture, carrying a cup of coffee feels very normal, and cancer patients crave a sense of normalcy. I got to do something normal!

And, I took a walk. This means that I spent time outside, and I walked on my own two legs. It was awesome. It helped that the weather was unseasonably warm.

When I am doing chemo, and shortly afterwards, the days can seem dark and it feels like things will never get better. But then they do, in surprising ways. And even the most simple ways can bring power and joy, and take me to the next step.

I hope you are feeling power and joy today and if you are not, know that it can and will come, that and whatever else you dream of.

Love,
Marie

Choosing life

From Dt 30:19-20

I have set before you life and death,
the blessing and the curse.

Choose life, then,
that you and your descendants may live, by loving the LORD, your God,
heeding his voice, and holding fast to him.

For that will mean life for you,
a long life for you to live on the land that the LORD swore
he would give to your fathers Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.”

Many of you are carrying crazy big burdens, yet you reach out to support me. Thank you. I’m not sure how you do it, dealing with your own stuff and still supporting me in mine.

When my attitude and outlook toward life remain good, that helps me with any other hassles. I typically wake up expecting good things to happen, and assume that we could surely handle the occasional not-so-ideal.

But when my attitude tanks, like now, I become dazed and confused and feel like I am in a hole that I can’t get out of. Over the past few weeks, we’ve had one surprise hit after another, leaving me constantly on the lookout for the other shoe to drop.

I don’t like living that way. I prefer to anticipate wonderful surprises around every corner. It’s far more energizing for me. But I can’t seem to will myself into that place.

So here I sit, waiting for the next mini-crisis, and I know I am not the first to be in this position.

Luckily, I have supportive friends. Some remind me that these events are likely part of a cycle that will run its course, some share their similar experiences and learnings, and others simply let me know they are there or even make me laugh. All of that helps.

In addition, I’ve had the honor of being close to friends when they are going through a major downturn, such as a cancer diagnosis, or a spouse suddenly (or not so suddenly) die, or a child who is going through trying times.

It doesn’t feel like an honor at the time. Upon hearing that news, my first reaction is generally shock and disbelief. As the news settles in, the sadness is overwhelming and I want to believe that it is not true at all, or that we could make it simply go away. And of course, the Type A in me wants to DO something, though I never know what.

Upon reflection, to be close to someone during that time – to be invited in when someone is in that open, difficult, heartrending place – is truly an honor.

During my own difficult times, I gain inspiration and hope as I reflect on the actions of these friends. I recently noticed that most, if not all of them, have something in common: At every turn, they choose life. At every moment where there is a decision to be made, they choose the most life-affirming one for them, a small action that, step by step, brings them back to life.

Examples include exercising, taking a vacation, practicing their art, returning to work and a regular schedule. Not that these specific actions are the “answer.” It is more that that person chose each action because it was the very thing in that moment that helped to energize and breathe life back into them. They made one life-affirming decision at a time.

So thank you for letting me in. Thank you for your support. Thank you for your example of your life. Though I get tired and discouraged at times, this too will pass. And in the meantime, at each decision point during the day, I will do my best to follow your example and make the life-giving choice.

Blessings and light,
Marie

Full reading below:

Reading 1 Dt 30:15-20

Moses said to the people:

“Today I have set before you
life and prosperity, death and doom.

If you obey the commandments of the LORD, your God,
which I enjoin on you today,
loving him, and walking in his ways,
and keeping his commandments, statutes and decrees,
you will live and grow numerous,
and the LORD, your God,
will bless you in the land you are entering to occupy.

If, however, you turn away your hearts and will not listen,
but are led astray and adore and serve other gods,
I tell you now that you will certainly perish;
you will not have a long life
on the land that you are crossing the Jordan to enter and occupy.

I call heaven and earth today to witness against you:

I have set before you life and death,
the blessing and the curse.

Choose life, then,
that you and your descendants may live, by loving the LORD, your God,
heeding his voice, and holding fast to him.

For that will mean life for you,
a long life for you to live on the land that the LORD swore
he would give to your fathers Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.”