Complicated blessings

Chemo went smoothly this week with far fewer side effects than is typical. Plus I didn’t get hip pain from the Neulasta shot. I’m grateful.

The only real problem I ran into was this: On Thursday night, I couldn’t sleep. On Friday night, I did sleep…for two hours. On Saturday, totally exhausted, I went to bed around 8:00 p.m.

Our younger son fell asleep in our bed and, like many kids, seems to expand at night. The dog curled up at my feet – well, really, where my knees would be. I folded myself into the postage-stamp size space that remained and actually fell asleep.

Before too long, I woke to three long, piercing beeps that indicate our clothes dryer is done. My husband was leaving on a trip the next day and probably doing laundry. I was sure he would get the clothes so I fell back asleep.

But no – he was off doing something else and didn’t even hear the beeps. I know because about ten minutes later, the beeps went off again. Too tired to get up and empty the dryer for him, I put the pillow over my head and went back to sleep. But then it happened again. And again. I finally realized that he must have the Wrinkle Guard cycle going – where the dryer periodically turns itself back on and fluffs the clothes a bit so they don’t wrinkle. If you don’t stop this, it will continue for hours. So I dragged myself out of bed and turned off the dryer. (Yes, I checked to see if anything needed to be taken out. It was fine.)

I returned to my tiny space in the bed, which got even smaller since I left it, and fell asleep again.

Around 12:30, our older son appeared at my bedside.

“I can’t sleep.”

This often happens if he uses his iPad before bed, which we don’t allow but happens anyway.

I was annoyed and tempted to tell him to just go back to bed, but I remembered that I am not always able to get up and walk him back to his room.

So I did. But my anger brewed: He used his iPad, and my sleep suffers.

Without thinking, I gave him a hard time about it, which wasn’t conducive to either of us getting any rest.

Eventually, though, he drifted off. And while he did, I reminded myself again that I am fortunate to I feel well enough to get myself out of bed and help him.

Then I took it further: I am lucky to have someone who will turn to me for help.

Thinking back over the annoyances of the night, it felt nice to have a child and a dog so close, and my husband nearby.

My life has become much smaller in many ways. I don’t get to socialize in the ways I used to, and I miss connecting personally with friends and sharing in a meal, some exercise, or entertainment. I am often in the house for days in a row, with my husband and sons as my only social contact and our dog as my constant companion. I became grateful that, even if they were keeping me awake, they were there.

Our son fell asleep relatively quickly, and I returned to my room where I slept through the night, remembering that the things that bother me are often integrated with their very blessings.

Many blessings to you, with their complications and all, and joy through it.

Love and light,
Marie