Spring will come again!

Over the past three weeks, I have been in bed more than out. At one point, that would have meant lots of fun. At this point, it meant that I had a horrible cold, then chemo, followed by more of that cold, plus a bowel obstruction. Sometimes, I could get out of bed and do one thing with much effort (like brush my teeth), and then return to bed.

Lying there, I spent most of my time looking out the window at the many shades of pale: the grey skies; the white snow on the roof and trees; the clear, thick icicles hanging from the gutters. We live in Cambridge, MA and have been in the throes of winter for weeks. The snow is deep and the temperatures frigid. We can get outside, but doing anything requires more effort than it does when we have less snow and warmer temps. Though we have storm after storm and it can feel like this winter season will never end, I know there will come a day when I will look at green grass and budding flowers, and I will feel the sun on my skin. The piles of snow and cold temperatures will all be just a memory.

I try to take that vision of spring and apply it to my body. I have been sick for so many days in a row, in so many different ways, that it is hard to imagine ever feeling well. I have an underlying worry that this every-other-week chemo will be my life, and I try not to let that take over my psyche but it has been a constant battle. I envision breathing clearly again and actually speaking a full sentence without coughing. I dream of a full week without vomiting. I consider that I won’t need to brace for pain at every turn. I will be able to shower and dress without a second thought to the amount of energy it takes. I imagine feeling light and energetic, able to do whatever activities I want, all day long.

While I am waiting for all this to unfold, I need to find a footing, some stable place to stand that feels even a little like wellness. Without that, these thoughts feel a bit like make-believe, untethered and existing only in the ether.

I know from experience that if I ask for help and wait, guidance will come, but I still get impatient. What if it doesn’t come this time? Like this winter, it felt like my well-being would never shift for the better.

Footing did, however, eventually present itself in a few forms: A friend sent me an email about a promising clinical trial for a cure; I received a really nice card from a friend; I was eventually able to get out of bed and pick up my child from school; my husband and I attended a dinner party where I ate solid food and laughed for the first time in two weeks.

One step at a time, my prayers were answered. I’m starting to feel better. I can breathe clearly for longer stretches. I have been out of bed all day today.

Being ill can make life feel long and dark, like winter. And even though another snowstorm is predicted for tonight, I know that it is only for now and spring is slowly making its way. Even if I can’t see the signs, I know they are there. I just need to hang in there and be patient and watch for the small signs of change.

(Man) sees the morning as the beginning of a new day; he takes germination as the start in the life of a plant, and withering as its end. But this is nothing more than biased judgment on his part. Nature is one. There is no starting point or destination, only an unending flux, a continuous metamorphosis of all things”

~ Masanobu Fukuoka

May you feel your metamorphosis into better and better being. The small changes that make you more of yourself, give you a fuller life, take you to places higher than your dreams. Today is just today, this moment, and there is the potential for better, in the next moment and always, no matter how slow it feels.

Thanks for hanging in there with me, and for believing. Your faith in the future helps me to believe that, underneath events that can be difficult to deal with, there are beautiful, unseen things waiting for the right time to bloom.

Love,
Marie

21 thoughts on “Spring will come again!

  1. The winter has been so punishing and unrelenting but soon we will see the promise of spring. Next week we turn the clocks ahead to daylight savings time and with it will come the hope of longer days and warmer weather. May it also bring to you the hope of pain-free and vomit-free weeks! xo

  2. I CAN LITERALLY IMAGINE USING THIS QUOTE FROM YOU IN MY BOOK!

    May you feel your metamorphosis into better and better being. The small changes that make you more of yourself, give you a fuller life, take you to places higher than your dreams. Today is just today, this moment, and there is the potential for better, in the next moment and always, no matter how slow it feels.

    >

  3. I cry and rejoice simultaneously with your messages……I am so touched by you and you enrich my life so significantly. What can I give to you???

    Molly

  4. Hang in there, Marie! The days are longer and the sun is higher and stronger.

    Xo Nicole

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

  5. Marie, you continually amaze and bless me with your posts. And here we should be encouraging YOU! I am so sorry you have been so sick. I am praying for you! Love, Diane

  6. Hello Marie! I was compelled to read your post today. There’s so much in the universe that may have bundled into the root of that compulsion. I suspect I may never know the complexity of it all. But it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I am thinking of you. Stay in your powerful self! Love, David (Pruskin)

    • David, wow. Thank you. I love the way you think. And you probably know that this was inspired by my last time with Shira. For a full month this year, I was back in that room of last year, looking at the snow through the door and desperately wishing that she could stay to see the flowers bloom. I believe that she does see them, and that she is taking delight in that. But wow it is still hard sometimes. And only a fraction of what you know, I’m sure. Thanks for the encouragement and the reminder of the constant wonder and intricacies the universe Love to you and the boys. Always.

  7. Love you and will see you tomorrow. I can hang for the day and bring you home if that would be take one thing off Tiron’s plate. ❤️

    Sent by magic ⭐️

    >

  8. Thanks for another thoughtful, helpful blog Marie. I benefit from reading your entries and I’m hoping you continue to feel the good effects of our move towards Spring weather and sights.

  9. I have a friend that is stage 4 breast cancer that might have to be on chemo for the rest of her life. I was just looking up articles and came across your story “Chemotherapy for life” from three years ago. It was so comforting that I had to look your blog up. You truly are a survivor and it is amazing to see how God works.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s