Thank you for your prayers and your good wishes, your presence, your texts, your emails, your comments. I feel a bit like you are cheering me up Heartbreak Hill on the Boston Marathon route – it definitely keeps me going.
The good news is that everything we covered today with the oncologist was familiar territory. Yes, there is growth, but all in the areas where there was known tumor. Yes, I feel bloated, but they found no ascites (fluid that the tumors can generate) so it is likely due to tumor on my colon slowing down the works. And yes, I am short of breath, but that is probably due to my diaphragm being squeezed from all the crowding in that space, not because of new lung tumors as I had feared. And yes, my CEA (tumor marker in my blood) was higher, but it has been that high before and we got it back down.
In fact, it was hard to find the spots on my lungs, so that was good news. As for chemo, there was no room at the inn today or tomorrow, and I don’t want to have chemo Thursday – Saturday, so I will start next Tuesday. That is the physical side. The emotional and spiritual sides of me feel strong and happy. I poked into the dark and dusty corners of my mind and heart (places I usually don’t like to examine without a trained professional) to see if any scary thoughts or emotions were hiding there. But I really do feel good. My amazing cousin, her son and her fabulous friend were all visiting today and that makes me happy. Life overall is good. While I am not crazy about going back on chemo, I’m glad to have it as an option. The doctor made a remark about the gastrointestinal floor being the busiest one and how they are working to provide more space. I inferred that meant that they see a lot of GI cancers. So keep those intestines moving! Eat good foods, drink lots of water and keep your body moving. Get tested when you should and if you feel the need for a test and you can’t seem to get it, advocate for yourself or change doctors. You don’t want to be another one in this crowd!
I spent the past week preparing seemingly endless meals and snacks for the kids and their friends, delivering yet another glass of lemonade to a thirsty child, wiping sticky popsicle drips off the kitchen floor, telling the kids to go play outside, driving them to the pool, taking care of various animals. I wondered if I was frittering away my chemo holiday.
As I sat here today with the dog at my feet and my son on my lap, trying to write this post despite constant interruptions, I got this message.
The days go by with so many little things that don’t seem to matter
until they’re no longer there
and suddenly, they’re all that ever mattered.
-from StoryPeople by Brian Andreas
Enjoy the little things that make up your day. They matter. They are love and life.
Blessings and love always,