Thank you for your prayers and concerns about the bleeding I was having. Since I’ve gone through both menopause and a hysterectomy, I thought there would be no more of that. Perhaps the name of the game is, “Assume Nothing.”
I called my doctor, fearing that he would insist that I jump back into chemo. Instead, he recommended a watch and wait approach, and I felt comfortable with that. Well, as comfortable as I could be. The worry persisted, but chemo wouldn’t help that anyway.
I went to tong ren, and the bleeding stopped.
In the meantime, life continues. My day consists of tasks that simply…take time…and in my focus to complete them, I frequently hear myself saying, “in a minute” to the kids.
For example, I might be online booking summer camps and one of the boys will say, “Mom, look at this!” I don’t want to stop, lose my place, look at that, and then have to re-oreint myself to wherever I was in the registration process.
So I say, “In a minute.” Of course, by the time I am ready to look, the moment is over. I’ve missed it, and then spiral into fear that they will stop inviting me to share in their discoveries.
Since change comes slowly to me, I decided to start by observing where I put my energy and what I put off, to learn what I am prioritizing every day.
One morning, I dropped the boys off at school then stayed to watch one of them play basketball with his friends. It felt idyllic. The boisterous boys dribbled and shot on the asphalt against a backdrop of blooming trees.
Wouldn’t it be nice to take a picture so someday the boys could get a glimpse of their kindergarten mornings?
This photo does not show the morning light as it streamed through the trees. Consistent with my “in a minute” approach, I didn’t take the photo that morning at basketball time. Instead, I thought I would do it another day.
I went home, got busy and then panicked. Would the flowers be there when I got around to taking the picture? What if it rained and the rain knocked them off the branches? This was the moment. It was now.
Maybe the name of the game isn’t “Assume Nothing.”
Considering the moments of worry and the moments of joy, perhaps the name of the game is, “This too shall pass” so I can feel safe in immersing myself in whatever happens to be right now.
Adventures in Spiritual Living 
You have such presence with yourself, Marie, and this practice can bring profound healing all on it’s own. Something tells me your family is beyond thankful for all you do, even though you may worry that you miss things or are not perfect all the time. Something tells me they don’t seek perfection in you. They love you for what you bring to them in each moment, and for being here today. I’ve heard of miraculous healings from tong ren. Would love to hear more about that practice sometime. Sending you prayers and tons of wishes for continued healing, and love to sustain you throughout eternity.
Blessings to you,
Heather
This is a lesson all of need to learn. Thank you, Marie
Hi Marie – Dont be so hard on yourself,I guess we all need to take a step back and smell the Roses ! Thinking of you and walking this journey with you ! GOD BLESS With Love & Light Kim in SA
I’ve heard a proverb that comes to mind for me a lot lately….and your sharing brought it to mind.
“Worry is a long shadow behind a small stone.” Can you picture that small stone in early morning or late afternoon sun, with it’s long needle of a shadow running up the pavement behind it?
I am really aware of the desire/need to live in the moment, esp. with serious medical issues: yet I am masterful at letting my attention be drawn by the long shadow, the second guessing, or the gnawing worrying, constantly…. like a dog with a bone.
Your reflecting on your process is helpful to me,thanks, Marie.
PS I love your love and your delight in your children.
So true and so beautifully put! xoxo Sarah
I call it, allow yourself to experience life. The simple pleasures of the day and the beauty (and not so beautiful) things around us are overlooked by most people because we have a purpose or a mission on our mind that doesn’t include “experiencing the moment”. I took a picture of a river in winter. No leaves on the trees, grey sky, craggy roots, etc. I loved the picture but most people thought it was ugly. I’m afraid it takes a major shakeup in our life to see the beauty in almost everything around us. Those craggy roots that intertwined each other and pushed above ground and in to the river were simply amazing. I probably wouldn’t have noticed them if the sun was shining and the trees had leaves.
I have to laugh when I play golf with friends. I’m so busy enjoying the gentle breeze or the mountains that I get distracted and forget about the game. I’m sure it drives my golfing buddies crazy and I’m sure they have never noticed the orange yellow cast that the sun layers on the green leaves early in the morning or at dusk or the long shadow of the pin late in the day.
Enjoy the moment.
I love this Marie and there is zen story that also expresses this beautifully. We think in very similar ways. Enjoy lots of beautiful moments before they pass.